And I'm not happy about it. Not happy at all. It all went down three hours ago in Courtroom 404 of downtown Phoenix. Judge D presiding in the case #3863731. Defendant: Stephanie Dunn in violation of Phoenix City Code 36-145A on 7/30/2008 at 8:15 a.m. as follows: "Parking/Non-Dust Free Lot". Here is how it played out:
Judge D: "Please raise your right hands to the square and repeat after me...." What? No Bible for my left hand? Well that's disappointing. "Officer, please present your case."
Officer "Ralphie": Blaa, Blaa, Blaa, Blaa, Blaa, Blaaaaaaaa. "I have some pictures I'd like to present as evidence your honor. May I approach?" Pictures, smictures you moron!
Judge D: "Mrs. Dunn, do you have any questions for the officer?"
Me: "Uh, yes. Where did you get those sweet tatoos officer Ralphie? They make you look so TOUGH!" (Kidding.) "No, sir."
Judge D: "Mrs. Dunn, go ahead and present your case."
Me: "On 50th street there are only two "No Parking" signs. One is at the bus stop. I was not parked there. The other is about 10 yards south of Chandler Boulevard and just south of that sign there is a sign that reads "No Parking Begins Here" which implies that south of that sign, parking is allowed. That is where I parked."
Judge D: Heavy sigh. "Now there are a lot of you here this morning facing a similar situation as Mrs. Dunn so let me explain something. A few years ago the city developed an ordinance. We live in a desert climate and they felt it necessary to control the dust so they prohibit parking in non-dust free lots. However, there are so many of these lots in Phoenix that it would be impossible to post "No Parking" signs in all of them. Therefore, they do not have to post those signs."
Well isn't that brilliant! Who is the brainiac that came up with that idea? Seriously, alert future President John McCain because I think this guy could fix our national debt crisis.
Judge D continues: "Now in most cases, a judge can evaluate mitigating circumstances, (Here's where I get my hopes up), like in Mrs. Dunn's case, the sign that says "No Parking begins here" which may have been misleading" (YA THINK!?!? But reality check here......half of the city of Phoenix can't read signs written in the English language so I'm doubting that will help me win the case). "However, in cases such as these the city ordinance prohibits a judge from either lowering or raising the assessed fine. In other words, it's a set fine". (Hopes shattered). "So the fine will be imposed as originally presented in the amount of $135.00. Mrs. Dunn, will you be making a full payment today?"
Me: "I'd like to appeal this ruling". (You'd better believe I said this).
Judge D: Clearly unsure of how to handle this since apparantly it must not happen too often. So he turns to the recorder. "How would this be handled?"
She then explains that I would have to file my appeal within 14 days. Still pay the fine today PLUS a filing fee. If the next judge ruled in my favor, I would be refunded the money. I'm feisty, but not foolish.
Me: "I'll pay in full. Can you answer a question for me your honor so that I can avoid future citations? Why on Frye road, just as you turn west off of 50th the cars fill that "dirt lot" just south of the school? Is that not a non-dust free area as well?"
Judge D: "Basically Mrs. Dunn, it comes down to the priorities of the City of Phoenix Police Department." (PRIORITIES?!!???!!!) "The enforcement of parking regulations along this area may not be a priority for them at this time". (OH, you mean along with the "No Parking, Fire Lane" all along the back of the school which is essentially a parking lot of eager parents waiting to pick up their kids from the hour of 2:30-3:30 every day? Let's hope there isn't ever a fire between these hours. Or how about the parents who don't want to fight the parking (or NO parking in this case) and so just stop along the street to let their kids out? Priorities, huh? Awesome. Thanks for clarifying.)
I exit out the left door. I want to throw Ralphie a wink and tell him not to work too hard today. I restrain myself. I get another paper from the bailif. I go down stairs. I take a number. I sit and wait. I pay the $135 fine with my sassy pink credit card. I walk the six blocks back to my car because I parked at 3rd Street instead of 3rd Avenue. I see a Paradise Bakery. I go buy a very large diet coke and an unsaid number of white chocolate macadamia nut cookies. I find my car. I pay the parking fee. I do some serious emotional eating. I compose the letter in my head that I am going to write to the Phoenix Chief of Police. I call E and he is reminded of why he loves me so much and he falls in love all over again. I'm home now. I'm going to go clean my bathrooms. I'm going to think of how my hard earned money just handed over to the court today is going to pay for the meals of some illegal immigrant crowding our jails. I"ll scrub harder. My toilets will have never looked better.
I'll sleep better tonight knowing that there are fewer dust particles in the brown, mirky air of Phoenix all thanks to the brave efforts of officer Ralphie. I'll think about how in a few years I'll look back and laugh at this although right now that doesn't seem possible. Damn you Ralphie.
P.S. Dad, will you pay for me to go to law school? I know you've always thought I'd make a good lawyer.
Who knew? Yuma has a camel farm? Hey kids, Yuma has a camel farm!!!! And off we went to the camel farm. I will admit, I had to laugh when there were signs posted everywhere that said, "Enter at your own risk!" and "Animals bite!" and "Do Not Feed the Animals"......but would you like to buy a cup of food to feed the animals? Uh, yea, I guess....
